post-breakup

written in 2003 -- found while browsing around through old papers

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staring into space,
hating, loving, wanting
wondering why, why not!
how, when
Was it me, was it you
Pointing fingers, who is to blame

Feeling inadequate
Confused
Could I have loved less, wanted more?
Wanted less, loved more?
Can I love again?

Missing the familiarity, the laughter in your smile
The effortless conversations
Feeling the emptiness inside me as I wake up each morning

And now --
futile dates.
Wasted evenings with strangers I never want to see again.
Idle chit-chat
All the while wishing it were you sitting here beside me.

The soup congeals before my eyes.
My date looks across the table - when did I stop listening to what he was saying?
He bends over to kiss me good-night and I turn my face away.

Don't want to do this anymore.
Tired, lost, angry, hurt
Still angry, still hurting

When does it end?
When is it that little things stop bringing memories flooding back?
And I cry
Because no one else makes me feel the way you did
And I try -- to find what we had
And can't!